Some say that adoption is just another way to become a family. Through the ages, adoption has been the solution for individuals and couples who were unable to have a child of their own. Adoption has also served as a means of providing care for children whose birth parents could not support them.

Of late we see a heartening trend - more people are adopting children, even when their fertility is not an issue. Angelina Jolie is possibly the most famous example of them all. Having adopted two children, she went on to recently give birth to a child of her own.

Audrey Buescher, adoption coordinator at United Methodist Children's Home, in Mt. Vernon loves to tell this story:

"A single dad adopted a young boy from foster care many years ago. The parental rights of the boy's biological father had been terminated by the State due to abuse. The young boy grew up under his adoptive father's loving care and has recently graduated high school. I'm happy to say that he will soon start college this year. I am so proud of this young man and his father."

Stories like these warm the heart and show us the life-changing, positive impact an adoption can make in everyone's lives.

Open Adoption

Beth Richardson is the adoption specialist at Catholic Social Services (CSS), a licensed child welfare and family service agency that covers the 28 southern counties of Southern Illinois. A birth mother herself, she brings a unique, personal empathy to her job, when she works with birth parents and prospective adoptive families.

"Adoption has changed greatly in the past 30 years or so. The birth parent can be a part of the child's life," she says. "The goal is to figure out what's best for the child, so that they can be raised in a situation that's best for them."

With offices in Carbondale, Mt. Vernon, Belleville and Mt. Carmel, CSS encourages open adoptions, since an ongoing openness between the biological and adoptive family plays a vital role in the emotional development of the child.

"The biological heredity of the family is important," says Mary Lou Los, regional director of CSS. "In the past the birth mother would never see the child again."

"The goal of open adoption is to allow the child to have a sense of self worth - the child was not rejected, but the mother cared enough for the child to place him or her, because she couldn't parent the child herself - due to financial or other pressures."

Buescher concurs, "Open adoption is very good for all involved as long as everyone is comfortable with it."

The Process: Birth Parent

On average CSS places about 12 children per year. Los explains, "If someone would come to us - pregnant and scared and not knowing what to do, we would provide information and support, so that they can make informed decisions in the best interests of themselves and their child."

Los says agencies like CSS help birth parents explore possibilities. Could they possibly parent the child? Can they get help from their family and have support structures in place? Are they willing to look at adoption?

"By contacting us, you're not making a commitment," says Richardson. "Everything you tell me is confidential and of course you don't have to be Catholic!"

"The birth parent chooses who they want to place their child with," says Los. "And part of the process involves choosing the degree of openness the birth parent and adoptive parent are willing to have for the rest of their lives."

Once the birth mother has chosen the adoptive family, Richardson works with them on myriad little details. "We chalk out a hospital plan - so that the hospital staff is prepared in advance," she says. "Do they want to feed the baby once s/he is born? Do they want to play with the baby?"

"Of course a birth mother can change her mind right after the baby is born and decide to parent," says Richardson. "However, once a birth mother signs the relinquishment 72 hours after the birth, it is permanent and irrevocable," she says.

Foster Care Adoptions

There are children who are adopted from foster care, when the State disqualifies the biological parent from parenting the child due to abuse, neglect or other issues.

Sheryl A. Powell, a Mt. Vernon attorney has handled about 20 adoptions in the past six years. "I just got into the DCSS system, so will be managing a lot more now," she says.

Experienced in facets of the law like termination of parental rights and Guardian ad Litem, she states that most adoptions take place through the Department of Child and Social Services (DCSS) system.

"We don't see too many private adoptions (stranger-to-stranger) without agency help, since people need the go-between to help them get in touch with each other," explains Powell.

The Process: Adoptive Parent

Often couples or individuals call or come to the agency wishing to adopt a child.

Richardson says one of the things prospective parents do is write a 'Dear Birth Parent' letter that is added along with photographs to a profile book, which is made available to birth parents.

Adoptive parents go through a home study process, which can take between three to six months, where they fill in plenty of paperwork, go through interviews, couples (or individual) assessments, background checks, fingerprinting and essentially complete what it takes to get licensed by the State.

"The United Methodist Children's Home has evolved into a unique program where we do home studies for people doing international adoptions," says Buescher. "95 percent of the time we end up working with placing agencies in other States. We then do post placements."

Agencies like CSS and the Baptist Children's Home and Family Services also offer similar services.

According to Buescher, there are thousands of international adoptions occurring in a given year from countries like China, Gautemala, and South Korea. "The process takes about a year and is faster than a domestic adoption which could easily take 3-4 years," she says.

Buescher says their domestic adoptions are a bit different from other agencies in that they are independent adoptions - where the families are already matched.

"One family I know wanted to adopt a child and was talking about it one day in an open place. An older lady who happened to be sitting nearby, overheard them and hooked them up with a lady whose daughter was pregnant," recalls Buescher.

"In that case, the families are already matched and they just need an agency to do the home study for them."

While some agencies are faith-based - like the Baptist Children's Home and Family Services which looks at committed Christians, active in the same evangelical church as described in the Adoptive Parent Faith Declaration - others like CSS and the United Methodist Children's Home are open to all religions, denominations and sects.

The Adoption Process

According to Los, sometimes an adoptive family may be chosen by a birth parent the minute they are in the book. Other times, the prospective adoptive parents may have to wait several years until someone chooses them.

This is the reason the Salmos - who are the proud parents of two boys today - decided to try a more unusual form of marketing themselves to birth parents, when they decided to adopt almost 13 years ago.

"We attempted to adopt through an agency in Carbondale, but the waiting list was just too long," recalls Tricia Salmo, a registered nurse who works at SI Dermatology in Herrin.

"So in the Fall of 1992, we hired a private attorney and with his help sent out 3,000 letters to OB/GYN's, high school counselors, family practitioners, abortion alternative centers and the like across various States," she says.

The letters were typically accompanied by photographs and contained information about the adoptive parents and why they wanted to adopt. "It was kind of strange because both our children ultimately didn't come through all the networking that happened via those letters," says Salmo.

Less than a year since the Salmos started the process, they adopted their first child who is 13 years old today. They connected with the birth mother through friends of friends. Less than six months since they started the process again, they adopted their second child, who is nine years old today.

"Our letters helped place other kids, since we did have many birth mothers contacting us," says Salmo. "But since we'd already adopted our boys by that time, we just put them in touch with others we knew, who were looking to adopt."

The Legalities and Fees

Adoption fees vary by State and by agency.

CSS charges a sliding fee based on the adoptive parents annual income. While the birth parents pay nothing, the adoptive parents pay for a whole list of services provided by the agency in connection with the adoption.

In addition they may pay other fees ranging from attorney fees; to picking up the medical costs for the birth mother, if she doesn't have insurance or public assistance; to flight and lodging costs if they have to fly to another State in order to meet the birth mother.

Illinois law states that the birth mother cannot sign away her parenting rights until 72 hours after the birth of her child. Interestingly enough, the birth father is allowed to relinquish parenting rights prior to the birth, but is allowed to revoke it in the 72 hour period after the baby is born. "If the birth father does not consent, we cannot place the child," says Richardson.

It can get complicated. "Many times the father is unknown," says Los. "Sometimes the grandparents may step in and claim their son is the father. In that case a paternity test may be required."

"It is important to go with a reputable agency that is licensed by the State," says Los.

Counseling

Just when you think a good home and all the love in the world would be enough, adoptive families often face more hurdles once the adoption is through, in terms of adjustment and other emotional, psychological problems that come up as their children grow and learn to deal with their identities.

Counseling agencies like Matthews and Associates in Herrin help families along the way with personal counseling and support groups for adoptive families and their children.

Salmo admits to having her fair share of difficulties, when her older son started growing up. "When he was around 11-12 years old, he started having some problems with his self confidence and sense of self worth," she says. "That is the age they begin to question and wonder why they were placed for adoption."

"I could tell him till I was blue in the face - that his birth mother truly loved him and placed him for adoption, since she wanted a better life for him - but it made no difference," she says.

Realizing her son was dealing with difficult questions in terms of his identity, she decided to get the help of Herrin psychologist, David Matthews. "Dave said my son should write his birth mother a letter," recalls Salmo.

When the birth mother wrote back, it seemed to help him immensely. "He finally believed what I had been telling him all along, when he heard directly from his birth mother," says Salmo. "Today he seems more confident and everything is finally okay."

Heartening Trends

Los feels there is a marked change today in people's attitudes towards unwanted pregnancies. "There is more acceptance," she says. "Families are beginning to pitch in and help the birth mother parent her child, instead of having to choose adoption."

"Often we see that the people who place their child for adoption are not teenagers any more, but may be someone who's already raising two kids and just cannot afford to raise another child," says Los. "Sometimes it might be a young girl who is still going to school."

Richardson puts the average age of birth parents at 22-23. "Surprisingly enough it's the teenagers who want to parent these days. The older mothers - in their 20's - mostly go the adoption route."

"We're finding more single individuals, males and females, and also a lot of older individuals wanting to adopt," says Buescher.

"Every single placement is so different and so special," says Richardson. "It's a commitment the adoptive parents make for the rest of their lives."

What: Informational Event on International Adoption (free to all)

When: July 8th 2006, 10 am to noon

Where: North Benton Baptist Church, 623 Joplin Street, Benton.

Call 618-242-4944 for more information

* Department of Children and Family Services - visit http://www.state.il.us/dcfs

* Adoption Information Center of Illinois - call 1-800-572-2390 or visit http://www.adoptinfo-il.org/

* Catholic Social Services - call 618-351-0743 (Carbondale) / 618-244-0344 (Mt. Vernon) or visit http://cssil.org/

* United Methodist Children's Home - call 618-242-1070 (Mt. Vernon) or visit http://www.umchome.org/

* Baptist Children's Home and Family Services - call 618-242-4944 (Mt. Vernon) or visit http://www.bchfs.com/

* Matthews and Associates' Adoption Support Group in Herrin:

Meets 3rd Thursday of every month, between 6-8 PM (dinner served, RSVP required). Off in summer, will restart in September 2006.

Contact Julie Fritzler, LCSW at 618-988-1330 ext. 103 for more information.

Serves Perry, Jackson, Franklin, Williamson, Saline, Gallatin, White, Hamilton, Union, Johnson, Pope, Hardin, Massac, Pulaski and Alexander counties.

* Adoption Support Group in Effingham:

Meets 3rd Tuesday of every month, between 6-8 PM (dinner served, RSVP required). Off in summer, will restart in September 2006.

Contact Julie Fritzler, LCSW at 618-988-1330 ext. 103 for more information.

Serves Effingham, Fayette, Jasper, Lawrence, Wayne, Crawford, Marion, Clay,

Richland, Edwards and Wabash counties.

A Birth Mother's Story

- Rachel Parker, a birth mother, in Tucson, Arizona talked to Poornima Jayaraman

"I got pregnant when I was 17 years old. I found out from a home pregnancy test in the bathroom at school, a week after my boyfriend went off to college. I was scared and upset and didn't know what to do.

That evening I went home and told my parents. I was raised in a staunch Christian home and it came as a big shock to them. My parents were very distraught and cried. My mother didn't talk to me for almost three days.

I had to leave my high school and go to an alternative high school with a whole bunch of other girls my age, who were also pregnant like me. I called the birth father and told him. Abortion was never a choice. We had to find another way.

We lived in Tucson, Arizona and my mother found the Christian Family Care Agency in a phone book. She called them up and got me an appointment with a counselor there.

I went for my appointment and was given a whole bunch of papers on parenting and adoption. It was a trying phase in my life.

There were so many questions in my head then. Am I going to be with my boyfriend and marry him? Will I graduate? What will happen to the baby?

I found myself visiting the counselor many times, as I warmed up to her. Her entire job was to help me figure out what to do.

When my boyfriend came down during Christmas Break, we decided to give up our baby for adoption. I was about five months pregnant at the time.

Beginning February 1996, the counselor started presenting me with people who were licensed to adopt. She gave me a binder of letters from potential adoptive parents. I took them home and read them all. I chose a couple that I felt would be the best parents for my unborn baby.

When my boyfriend came back from college in early March, he looked through the same binder and luckily for us, picked the same couple I had picked.

They were Lisa and Roland Barr. They had adopted a son from the same agency a few years ago and lived in Ohio at that time. We chose them on a Wednesday and I remember they flew in and met us on Friday. It all happened so fast.

The first meeting was very awkward. How do you interview prospective parents for your own child? So we just asked them some questions. At the end of the interview, Lisa and Roland asked us if we would like to go out for lunch with them.

That was when all of us loosened up and really got talking. My boyfriend and I decided then, that this was the couple who should raise our child. We called up the agency and said yes. This was exactly a month before my son was born.

My baby was breeched and a C-section was scheduled on April 23, 1996. I called up Lisa and Roland and asked them if they could come down for the birth.

That morning, when I went to the hospital to have my baby - my family, my friends, and Lisa and Roland were there. It seemed so surreal.

When Harrison was born, the nurse or my mother - I can't remember who - handed me my son. It was so awesome. I remember seeing Lisa holding my baby later. It felt right.

She was very respectful of me the three days I spent in the hospital. The second night of my hospital stay, I asked Lisa if she could spend the night with me. That night we spent talking about everything - the baby, my future, life. It really kick started our friendship.

Arizona State Law says that you cannot give up your baby until 72 hours after the birth. Once you sign the relinquishment form, you cannot change your mind, unlike some States - like California - where you're given 60 to 90 days to change your mind.

When the counselor started reading out the relinquishment letter to me, I started to cry as the words really began to sink in; even though I had read the form so many times before.

I thought, my son is three days old and has no idea what is going on around him. The night I signed the relinquishment was also the night of my senior prom. It was pretty much the most traumatic day of my life.

We went to the Chapel later and had an entrustment ceremony to document the official passing over of the child to Lisa and Roland. I remember standing up from my wheel chair and handing over Harrison to Lisa and Roland. It was the hardest thing for me to do.

Then the coolest thing happened - Lisa handed him right back to me and asked me if I could take him to the car. It was very significant for me, since I had just handed him over to her.

Lisa then called me a few days later and asked me, "Do you want to come over and play with Harrison?" I said yes and went over right away. God, I appreciated that so much.

When Harrison was one and a half years old, I got married and Lisa was my bridesmaid.

Giving up Harrison was the hardest thing I had to do and I still haven't completely gotten over it. Can anyone ever get over it?

I have never met a birth mother who didn't love her child. The Saturday before Mothers Day is National Birth Mother's Day. We are mothers too, but just in a different way.

Placing your child for adoption is the most selfless, loving decision a birth mother can ever make. You only think of the child's well being and what's right for him. You don't think of the toll it will take on you.

Today I have eight children - one birth child, one child we are in the process of adopting, five foster children and one foster grandchild. I am a Master Trainer for the National Council for Adoption and now work for the Christian Family Care Agency, in their foster care program.

My husband and I moved into Mercy Home - a foster home for kids - about two and a half years ago. We focus on teenage mothers and teenage girls. We are their house parents and our job is to be there for them 24/7. In a way, you could say I have come full circle.

I am very much in touch with Lisa, Roland and Harrison to this day. They have rented a beach house in California and I will be joining them, along with Sally - their other child's birth mother - to spend some quality time with them.

In the ultimate analysis, a bad situation worked out wonderfully for me. I couldn't have asked for better parents than Lisa and Roland for my son. "

Lisa Barr, mother of three adopted boys, in Carbondale, Illinois talked to Poornima Jayaraman.

"My children know whose tummy they came out of and seem okay with it. As they grow up I'm sure there will be issues that come up from time to time. But I'm sure we will get through it. They know they are loved.

When I was 15, I found out that I could never have babies. The doctor told me my uterus was not fully developed and the possibility of my having babies was not realistic. Knowing from an early age was a blessing in disguise, because I could tell my boyfriend (now husband) upfront and not mislead him in any way.

I was 18 years old when I started dating my husband and we knew from the beginning that we would adopt once we got married. We'd been married five years when I went to a seminar on adoption. We started the adoption process then in 1993.

Today we have three boys - Garret (13), Harrison (10) and Weston (6); all of them were adopted as infants, when we matched with their birth mothers.

My husband was finishing up his medical school residency, when we matched with Sally - my first son's birth mother - 13 years ago. She was in her 20's and three months pregnant with Garret. We went on double dates with her and her present husband and got to know each other really well. After Garret's birth we moved to Ohio. Sally has three little girls of her own today.

We met Rachel when she was about eight months pregnant. She was 17 years old and had to have a C-section because Harrison was breeched. I attended Rachel's wedding a year later and she now has a child and will adopt another one soon.

Shortly after we moved to Carbondale, we wanted to adopt one more child. We worked with Catholic Social Services and matched with Weston's birth mother who was from Chicago.

The experience has been wonderful. We chose to have open adoptions and that just turned into an extension of family for all of us. My relationship with the birth mothers is what you'd imagine a sister-sister relationship to be. God has certainly blessed us.

I advocate open adoption for two reasons: You never want your children to feel as though their birth parents abandoned them. It's also so much nicer for birth moms to have the connection and still be able to be a part of their child's life in some way.

My kids knew from the beginning that they were adopted. It's always been a part of the family dialogue. Of course there is a point when they realize that not everyone is adopted! There is also a point when their friends are disappointed that they are not adopted and don't have young, attractive, birth mothers, coming to visit, bearing gifts!

My kids love visiting their birth mothers and sometimes their birth mothers come and visit us at home. On the plus side, my kids have lots of grandmas and grandpas. It just seems so natural for us now. It just feels right. There is no confusion in the minds of my children whatsoever.

Placing your baby for adoption is a hard, heart wrenching, selfless decision for any birth mother to make. I almost think birth mothers have a harder time explaining to their own kids - and trying to make them understand the enormity of what happened in their life - than I do explaining to mine.

Of course many people are like, "Aren't you worried they will want their kids back?" If you adopt the right way, through a reputable agency and ensure the birth mother was not forced to make a decision in a pressured situation and there are no custody issues; if everything was dealt with openly and honestly - you should be all right.

Placing a child for open adoption is really such a wonderful way to deal with an unplanned pregnancy and still be a part of the child's life.

A lot of people can say hurtful things without thinking. Society as a whole doesn't look too kindly on a young lady, when she says she's placing her child for adoption. As a culture we need to give them the choice and let them make the decision that's good for everyone - for them and the baby.

Would I trade fertility for my three precious children? Not in a million years! What was once a burden has turned into the biggest blessing in my life."